the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The adults are the big ones right?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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