Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
