I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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