Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
