my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish I only lived at night.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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