Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
