my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wear drunk well.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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