I think my fart just growled at me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
