I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
