I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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