New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
