She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
