I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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