dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
