I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
