Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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