I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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