dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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