thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
