Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
