Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
