When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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