If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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