Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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