I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
