it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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