This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
