Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
