If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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