Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
