no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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