the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
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You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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