I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
