and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
