At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
