the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
