you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
