my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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