I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
