i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
