He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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