and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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