letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
