You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
