Don't make out with my wife yet
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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