i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
