I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
