I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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