I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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