Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
