i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
