It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hippo gnu deer
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
how drunk are you?
Several
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
