I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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