just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
