he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
